“Write What You Love”—That’s the prompt.
This is tricky for me. I gotta be careful.
My analytical brain takes the lead and responds with a question: “What is Love?”
Here comes the millennial researcher in me, and she goes straight to Google for answers. But it seems I asked the wrong question because I didn’t find what I was looking for…
“Emotions, Behaviors, Feelings, Attachment”…These are the words my search returned. (Along with—-What is Love? Oh, Baby Don’t Hurt Me, Don’t Hurt Me-No More)
I’m looking for the right words. My parents were strict about words. I was taught to hold myself accountable for the words that I use because words have power.
Words can bring pain or healing, blessings or curses. Words can be used for good or evil, truth or lies. Words can lead to justification or condemnation.
Write what you love. It’s that word, ‘love’, that I’m struggling with. I’ve felt love, I’ve expressed love, but To Write Love….
I love people, I love music, I love food, I love travel, I love nature, I love sleep, I love thinking and reading and learning. I love beaches and baths and steaming hot showers. I love talking and l love listening. I love laughing and I love crying.
Love Love Love Love Love. I’ve used this word ‘Love’ in vain many times.
In the home that I grew up in, Love and Hate were Holy Words.
“No, Erin, you don’t ‘love’ Britney Spears, you don’t ‘know’ Britney Spears. You enjoy listening to her music, you enjoy singing her songs, and you enjoy watching her music videos”
“Erin, you’re not ‘in love’, you’re ‘in-lust’. You like the way they make you feel, That’s not Love”
“You don’t have to like your sister, but you do have to Love her. You may not feel love for her, but you do have to treat her with Love”
“You don’t hate spiders, you’re afraid of spiders. You don’t like the way spiders make you feel”
What is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me, Don’t Hurt Me-No More)
What is…Love…It hits me in true Jeopardy fashion, hand on the buzzer… What is, Love!
Love is the answer. What is Love? Love is Love.
My heart is talking now, and I’m realizing why my brain tried to take the lead on this one. I was afraid. Scared to put words to what I feel, or, rather–don’t feel.
When the conversation turns to ‘love’, I hear emotion. I hear feelings. I hear words like “passion” and “commitment” and “drive”. My soul sinks and I’m at a loss for words. What do you do when you don’t feel love? What do you do when there is no passion?
When I reach the limitations of my biological self—there is no drive, there is only Depression.
What is Love? Love is more than a feeling(more than a feeling). Love is more than emotions.
“You called and cried out loud and shattered my deafness. You were radiant and resplendent, you put to flight my blindness. You were fragrant, and I drew in my breath and now pant after you. I tasted you, and I feel but hunger and thirst for you. You touched me, and I am set on fire to attain the peace which is yours.”
Love is God.
My brain, body, and heart can only take me so far. Depression kills my drive.
With Love; I’m not driven, I’m moved.
My husband has this charm of cutting straight to the chase. His words are unreserved and simple. So, as I do whenever I’m looking for honesty, I asked my husband to share his observations on “What Drives Me?” and he put words to what my brain wouldn’t let me do. Out of Love, he spoke my heart:
What drives me? Selfishness
My shallow need for other people’s approval….I compare myself to others and admire what they have. I look at myself and see what I’m not and what I don’t have. I want to look better, do better, be better—I want more and I want it all! I want others to see what I have and to see that I have it all. I want recognition and praise and admiration. I want fulfilled desires and love.
I’m driven by pride and fear. I’m driven by an instinct to feel less alone, to feel less empty.
My struggle with answering the question “What Drives You”, is that I struggle with depression. Depression kills drive. Depression, at times, doesn’t feel like anything. Depression says “nothing matters”—especially not your vain attempts at achieving happiness through these shallow, selfish desires.
Depression has shown me something deeper than desire. Depression has taught me something braver than fear.
Love can’t exist without Love. Love was there first. Love was always there. Love made the first move.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love never grows tired of our imperfections or flaws. Love perseveres, Love is unfailing.
“In my deepest wound, I saw your glory, and it dazzled me”. God is Love. Love doesn’t drive me, Love moves me.
I love Love. With Love, there is no Fear.
Without fear, I’m able to write what I Love….I Love God.
What moves me? My servants’ heart
I’m moved by generosity to give more than I receive. I’m moved by the power of words to lift the spirit of others. I’m moved by truth, to be genuine and sincere. I’m moved by humility. I’m moved by salvation, mercy, grace, and forgiveness. I’m moved by Love.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world, we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.